3 Days

Shirissa

I know this has nothing to do with my trip to Kenya, but this is a really pressing engagement on my heart which I feel is necessary to share. Shirissa Seibert was probably one of the most inspirational teenagers I'd ever met at Lakeside. I'd like to say it had nothing to do with her amazing talent God had given her that allowed her stand out amongst the hundreds of kids, but I know that'd be a lie. She wasn't just talented; she was sweet, tender hearted, motivated, beautiful, and so genuine. She was also only 19.

I think you've caught on by now from my numerous uses of the word "was" that God chose to take her home earlier than we all expected. I need to be honest here. I was sad and shocked when I found out on Thursday. I really was. But now... now I'm just devastated. I remember the last time I sat and talked to her... we were just sitting at Lakeside talking and hugging each other. She had her head leaning against me as I played with her hair. She spoke such sweet words of encouragement and appreciation for me when I was the one truly inspired by her. I have no doubt I shared my honest feelings back. But the point isn't just to relive my last moment with her, but it's important to gauge the depth of how we impact people we hardly know at all.

Lakeside is a very unique and amazing place where everyone are friends who love each other so deeply, and encourage each other so endlessly, and pass no judgment because we are ALL there by the grace of God. Therefore, Shirissa knowing nothing about me, my past, or what I was doing the following week, told me she loved me. Ran full force to jump and hug me after not speaking for an entire year. She loved me because I loved Jesus for the same reason she did, and we shared she a ground and true common denominator that NOTHING ELSE MATTERED BUT THE LOVE OF JESUS.

I'm sharing this, because everyone needs to understand something. What we do here has no lasting meaning or lasting matter without "the Who" we love and "the how" we love Him. That's it. That's the only thing that matters here. And when you figure out how to love Him, the rest of the living for Him and sharing of His goodness just follows along right behind it.

You don't need to be a certain age to impact a life. You don't. Any age is impacting- 6, 75, or just 19. You can do it just as you are. Just like Jesus calls us to come as we are, then He will use us as we are. Man! I wish there were a better way for me to explain what I'm trying to tell you!

I'm going to miss her! I'm going to miss not seeing her then next time I go back to counsel those kids. I'm going to miss her every time I hear Angel; more than I did before I knew I'd never hear her sing those words again...

It's still not real to me yet. But I know what is real... The love of Christ. That's it. And if that's the only thing I can trust will be remaining as I lay my head on the pillow tonight, and, Lord willing, as it rises tomorrow, then that is all I will need.

"Lord,
Please use these words... I can't speak what needs to be said without your inspiration first. God, let this increase in a passionate life of impacting others carry through, not only going and coming home from Kenya, but even more vibrantly after returning and the years ahead.
I love you. You are an amazing God, I cannot praise you enough. Thank you for your grace and patience in my life. Use me wherever I am. I am nothing without you."

.::Kenya's Calling::.

7 Days...

Packing, packing, packing...
Prepping, prepping, prepping...
Getting exited, getting excited, getting excited...
OMG I LEAVE IN A WEEK, OMG I LEAVE IN A WEEK, OMG I LEAVE IN A WEEK!!!!

[will post more soon]

.::Kenyas Calling::.

10 Days....

I don't even know where to begin tonight.
I have so much to say, yet I'm at such a loss for words. I'm staring at this screen wondering what part of the last 4 days of my life do I share? Do I share the part that is all about Kenya? Do I share the part of the devastating news I received one perfectly normal morning? Do I share the part where I loved seeing my family, yet I couldn't wait to leave because I hate saying goodbye? Do I share the part of seeing old friends, and I'm forced to look at my life and questions whether progress was really ever progress at all? Do I share the part where I had to leave my best friend in PA in Ohio? Do I share the part where I came back to reality and life happened today like it did last Thursday... it just happened...? I stare at this screen and wonder if I just woke up from an insane dream...

I don't even know. And here I am at a loss for words and my emotions are for the first time in days somewhat under control (which could have to do with the large plate of cold spaghetti I just ate). All I know is I serve a good God, and He has not brought me here to abandon me!

I'm drained. And I want to fight, but this isn't my battle! This is the Lord's battle. And as much as I want to meddle in it, I have to stop everything I am doing, turn it over to Him and wait and trust. That's it.
But on the other scoop, I just want to cry and beg and beg that the reality of man will not be the reality of God.

God help me to see all the impossibilities of this world as possibilities for you! I can't do it on my own! I never could and I never will!

.::Kenya's Calling::.

Video message from Britt!

"Weaksauce!"

...Bahm, Buhm, Bum bum Bum BAHHHMM, Buhm, Bah Bah Bah Baaaahh Buhm, bum bum bum bum...

So why is the Star Wars theme song going through my head? I have no clue. Why is a million ideas, and thought, and eagerisms, and planningisms, and all these other "isms" going through my head? I don't know... it could have to do with the fact I leave for Kenya in fewer than 17 days... Hmmm perhaps... :)

So God revealed a little more to me about my trip last night. Last night was not only the Northern Hemisphere's "holiday" called Halloween, but it was "Light Night" at our church. It's a wonderful and powerful night dedicated to just praising and thanking the one, true, God.

The night was so awesome! As the last song began I could feel the Spirit of God so close to me. We were singing "Your Grace Is Enough". Moments of the song I was singing, other moments were spent listening, and other moments, praying. In the midst of doing all three, this line from the song struck me:

"You use the weak to lead the strong."

It hit me like a sucker punch to the gut. Only without the painful "wind getting knocked out of me" feeling. But really. I was like "WOW GOD!!!" All this time, if you were to ask me why I was going to Kenya, I would tell you, "Because God is sending me to help children (that I don't know) and women (perhaps teaching a Bible study) and maybe do some other things that I don't know yet. But as I heard these words, I realized I got it ALL WRONG!

Now if you watch the patterns of God, He usually does things very backwards from the ways we feel things should be done. Forcing us to continually open our hands and let God do His will as we follow along in His limelight and just submit ourselves in obedience. But this time, I really got it wrong.

Now, I'm not saying God ISN'T going to use me. I'm just saying I got the whole idea of what's going to happen there a little backwards. You see, I believe and know God is working to bring me to this place. A place of submission, a place of trust, and a place of continually following Him no matter what obstacle is dropped on me next. And in this case, He's sending me to Kenya to be changed.

I believe God is going to use me to influence, encourage, and plant a seed for Kenyan lives to be changed. But, I believe He's also sending me there to be changed by those people as well. He's going to use the weak, He's going to use the poor, He's going to use the heavy-burdened to change my life. To change the strong. To change the rich. To change the one who has nothing to fear, no worry to dwell on, and no life to dread the next day.

This is what God is sending me for: to be changed--to be led by the weak.

You know what the word "lead" means?

1.

to go before or with to show the way; conduct or escort

2.

to conduct by holding and guiding

3.

to influence or induce; cause

4.

to guide in direction, course, action, opinion, etc.

God, you are going to use the people of Kenya to "go before and show me the way", "to guide", "to influence or induce a greater cause" in me, "to guide me in a direction" towards you that I have yet to experience. WOW! And I thought I was going to help those who have nothing. When really I am the one who has nothing. Though, I have all the riches of the world, if I seek not you or have you first, then I am as poor and lost as the one who never knew you to begin.

God, I just ask that you use the people of Kenya to change me. Lord, that I will be willing to accept those changes. That it will impact my life and my relationship with you so mightily that I will not even recognize the person who returns home. God I don't want to just change. I want to be transformed, "to undergo a change in form, appearance, or character".

God, don't let me be the same. God, I beg you that you use the weak to lead me. God, show me what weakness is. Lord, I know its a huge sacrifice to ask what it is to know weakness. And Lord, I ask that you reveal it to me as my heart is ready. You know when I'll be ready. I want to be used by you! But if you have to use the weak, then God I want to be weak.

.::Kenya's Calling::.

It's a process

My life didn't begin to change until I understood grace. I mean I understood forgiveness, but did you know there IS a difference between forgiveness and grace?

Yea? Okay, then tell me what it is, because I didn't really get it until I begged God to show me the difference.

You know, He did show me. He did open my eyes. I've learned there is a direct correlation between Forgiveness, Humility and Grace. It sounds like an awful combination to live by when we all love to live in a world of pride, selfishness, and "nothing is ever our fault".

But let me tell you, once you get it, once you apply it, once you live it, you NEVER want to go back. EVER!

I didn't always talk and live like this, you know. I went through a period in my life where I messed everything up. I mean everything. I was lying, I was cheating, I was manipulating, I was breaking promises, I had an awful relationship with an ex-boyfriend and in turn, lied about it all to my parents. So I had an awful relationship with my parents. I was teaching my baby sister to lie for me, and I was doing an awesome job lying to everyone in my church, especially God.

And everyday I was living that life, I was begging God to get me out. Every. Single. Day. I hated everything about myself and who I'd become, and wondered how in the world I got there. I mean we could blame it on the "crowd" I hung out with, we could blame it on the people I worked with, we could blame it on this and that, but at the end of the day, the only blame, was on me. I knew right from wrong, but I went by my own will. For as much as I had NO IDEA what I was doing, it was frightening how much I knew what I was doing. And I hated it. All of it.

Only by HIS grace, He saved me from it. OOOOhhhhhh buddy it wasn't easy. Let me tell you, I went through the ultimate humiliation for my life to turn around, and it still took several years after that night God redeemed me before I finally just surrendered. And it was right here in good ole Pennsylvania that the light bulb truly, genuinely came on. 

I can't tell you how it happened, but I remember I spent weeks not asking, but just BEGGING God for what I wanted. You know that verse in Matthew 7 that says "ask and you shall receive"? Yea, well I stood on its truth, because I skipped the asking part and begged God to change who I was. 

You learn a lot about yourself when you move out on your own and into the "real" world. Having to do things on your own and make decisions on your own knowing your integrity is only held accountable by yourself is exhilarating... and harsh. The first six months on my own were so rough. I began falling back into that pattern I had been in back before I got saved, and I saw it clear as day. The agony I went through was worse than the first time, only because this time there were no influences. This time it was all me. 

But I refused to go there again. I refused to get sucked back in. That was when I began just begging God to grab me before it was too late. You know, He listens to us... and He doesn't just listen because He has nothing better to do, but He listens because He ACTUALLY loves us? Yup! It's quite a revelation, but an amazing one at that. 

Well I began really letting God do His work (that He's been wanting to do for years) last fall (2010). But January was the turning of a new leaf for me. We did a study in the book of Daniel and every week was another breaking down and tearing off of my old self. It was painful. It was hard. I came home and cried every single night wondering why my life was the way it was, and why I ever let it get that bad.

You know that verse in Revelation that says "the world is wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked and they don't even know it"? Yea, well what a revelation of how awful the sinful and fleshy being I was. Now I am NOT perfect by any means, but I'm seeing things I didn't see a year ago. Wow has God opened my eyes. Just WOW! Only He could bring from where I was to where I am now. And I am SOOO excited because He is taking me to a place that far exceeds any place I can ever hope for myself.

This has honestly been the hardest year I have ever had in my entire life. I had to let go of people in my life that I loved more than anything. You ever do that? Love someone so much, and then just give it up because you're tired of fighting, or even just tired of not winning? Yea, well, I did. And it's not a walk in the park. But this relationship with my Savior that I poured my life and energy into instead is something I would never trade. In turn it's been the best year of my life.

Now don't we serve a great God?! You know, if you're not serving Him,  you're missing out. I have to tell you, this is a great life. There are times its sooo hard, but having the faith that God will continually take care of me and what I need, and watch Him do it is just AWWWWWWWMAZING! 

To those of you struggling, I'm telling you it's not easy. I still miss what I had to let go of. Not every day, not like I used to, but sometimes it's the subtle reminders that torture us more than the temptations that are thrown right in our faces. But everyday you succeed is another day you have moved forward. Somedays I fail. Somedays I fail completely. But the wonderful glory of the grace of God is every day is a new day.

You want to know when my life changed? When I understood what grace is. You want to know want grace is? 

It's when I fully grasped the concept and reality that my life was no different from the person to the right or left of me. That I have no condemnation on anyone. I've done what they've done. I've said what they've said. But the difference between them and me?

I've accepted God's grace.... I'm blameless.

.::Kenya's Calling::.