My life didn't begin to change until I understood grace. I mean I understood forgiveness, but did you know there IS a difference between forgiveness and grace?
Yea? Okay, then tell me what it is, because I didn't really get it until I begged God to show me the difference.
You know, He did show me. He did open my eyes. I've learned there is a direct correlation between Forgiveness, Humility and Grace. It sounds like an awful combination to live by when we all love to live in a world of pride, selfishness, and "nothing is ever our fault".
But let me tell you, once you get it, once you apply it, once you live it, you NEVER want to go back. EVER!
I didn't always talk and live like this, you know. I went through a period in my life where I messed everything up. I mean everything. I was lying, I was cheating, I was manipulating, I was breaking promises, I had an awful relationship with an ex-boyfriend and in turn, lied about it all to my parents. So I had an awful relationship with my parents. I was teaching my baby sister to lie for me, and I was doing an awesome job lying to everyone in my church, especially God.
And everyday I was living that life, I was begging God to get me out. Every. Single. Day. I hated everything about myself and who I'd become, and wondered how in the world I got there. I mean we could blame it on the "crowd" I hung out with, we could blame it on the people I worked with, we could blame it on this and that, but at the end of the day, the only blame, was on me. I knew right from wrong, but I went by my own will. For as much as I had NO IDEA what I was doing, it was frightening how much I knew what I was doing. And I hated it. All of it.
Only by HIS grace, He saved me from it. OOOOhhhhhh buddy it wasn't easy. Let me tell you, I went through the ultimate humiliation for my life to turn around, and it still took several years after that night God redeemed me before I finally just surrendered. And it was right here in good ole Pennsylvania that the light bulb truly, genuinely came on.
I can't tell you how it happened, but I remember I spent weeks not asking, but just BEGGING God for what I wanted. You know that verse in Matthew 7 that says "ask and you shall receive"? Yea, well I stood on its truth, because I skipped the asking part and begged God to change who I was.
You learn a lot about yourself when you move out on your own and into the "real" world. Having to do things on your own and make decisions on your own knowing your integrity is only held accountable by yourself is exhilarating... and harsh. The first six months on my own were so rough. I began falling back into that pattern I had been in back before I got saved, and I saw it clear as day. The agony I went through was worse than the first time, only because this time there were no influences. This time it was all me.
But I refused to go there again. I refused to get sucked back in. That was when I began just begging God to grab me before it was too late. You know, He listens to us... and He doesn't just listen because He has nothing better to do, but He listens because He ACTUALLY loves us? Yup! It's quite a revelation, but an amazing one at that.
Well I began really letting God do His work (that He's been wanting to do for years) last fall (2010). But January was the turning of a new leaf for me. We did a study in the book of Daniel and every week was another breaking down and tearing off of my old self. It was painful. It was hard. I came home and cried every single night wondering why my life was the way it was, and why I ever let it get that bad.
You know that verse in Revelation that says "the world is wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked and they don't even know it"? Yea, well what a revelation of how awful the sinful and fleshy being I was. Now I am NOT perfect by any means, but I'm seeing things I didn't see a year ago. Wow has God opened my eyes. Just WOW! Only He could bring from where I was to where I am now. And I am SOOO excited because He is taking me to a place that far exceeds any place I can ever hope for myself.
This has honestly been the hardest year I have ever had in my entire life. I had to let go of people in my life that I loved more than anything. You ever do that? Love someone so much, and then just give it up because you're tired of fighting, or even just tired of not winning? Yea, well, I did. And it's not a walk in the park. But this relationship with my Savior that I poured my life and energy into instead is something I would never trade. In turn it's been the best year of my life.
Now don't we serve a great God?! You know, if you're not serving Him, you're missing out. I have to tell you, this is a great life. There are times its sooo hard, but having the faith that God will continually take care of me and what I need, and watch Him do it is just AWWWWWWWMAZING!
To those of you struggling, I'm telling you it's not easy. I still miss what I had to let go of. Not every day, not like I used to, but sometimes it's the subtle reminders that torture us more than the temptations that are thrown right in our faces. But everyday you succeed is another day you have moved forward. Somedays I fail. Somedays I fail completely. But the wonderful glory of the grace of God is every day is a new day.
You want to know when my life changed? When I understood what grace is. You want to know want grace is?
It's when I fully grasped the concept and reality that my life was no different from the person to the right or left of me. That I have no condemnation on anyone. I've done what they've done. I've said what they've said. But the difference between them and me?
I've accepted God's grace.... I'm blameless.
.::Kenya's Calling::.
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